[Neurons] 2012 Meta Reflections #23

[Michael Hall]

From: L. Michael Hall

Meta Reflections 2012  #23

April 23, 2012

Empowerment Series #10

 

THE POWER OF BOUNDARIES

 

 

A boundary divides one thing from another.  As such it sets up distinctions
between things.  When you set up a personal boundary for yourself, you both
identify and distinguish what's inside the boundary and what's outside.  In
doing this, you are thereby able to contain and protect your identity,
energy, values, beliefs, and experiences.  You are able to say, "This is me
and those things out there are not me."

 

In the article on the power of responsibility (Empowerment Series #7), I
spoke about the line between two kinds of responses and responsibilities.
The line between responsibility for yourself creates accountability, you
being accountable for what you say you believe and will do.  In doing so,
you are simultaneously distinguishing who you are responsibility to.  That's
relationship.  You are responsible for yourself to others for what you say
you will do.  The other person can now hold you accountable for that.  That
defines your relationship with that person.  What you are not responsible
for is what the other person is responsible for- namely, their thoughts,
emotions, words, and actions.

 

Because these are different experiences (accountability and relationship),
the line between responsibility for and to creates boundaries.  It sets up
what is inside and what is outside.  What is outside your responsibility is
what other people are responsible for.  I am not and cannot be responsible
for what you think, believe, understand, remember, imagine (any and all of
your mental responses), what you feel, say, or do.  Those are your
responses.  Similarly, you are not and cannot be responsible for what I
think, feel, say, or do.  Those are my responses.  You can invite me to
think in a certain way or feel something, but if I do, that's my response.
You can only invite, trigger, provoke, and do whatever you can to increase
the likelihood of my response, but you are not able to generate that
response.

 

If you don't draw this line between responsible for and to, you will have
weak or non-existent boundaries and can easily become confused where you and
others start and stop.  This can then create all sorts of unsanity (a poor
relationship in navigating the territory of reality).  Then your
ego-boundaries that define you and your world can fuse with those of others
and leading you to feel responsible for someone else's experiences.  Yet
when that happens, you dis-empower both yourself and the other person.  Do
that and you confuse yourself and invite a confusion in them about the
relationship.  This is what happens with those who become co-dependent in
unhealthy ways.

 

The idea of ego-boundaries goes back to Sigmund Freud and his original work
in psychoanalysis.  Your sense of self (ego) extends out into space and each
of us experience so much of that space as ours, as "our territory."  So when
someone gets too close to you physically (whether it is 18 inches or 5
inches or 1 inch), you will feel that they have intruded into "your space"
and not respecting your boundaries.

 

"Boundaries" begin with physical space and as you create your sense of your
space in that way, you also create your sense of space about other things.
That's why if someone tells you "what you really think or feel," it feels
like a violation.  In NLP we call it mind-reading.  The other person has
assumed that he or she can get into your mental or emotional space and tell
you what you think or feel!  Obviously, they cannot know such, they are only
guessing at best and projecting at worse.  The result is that we all feel
the need to push them away and not let them cross over the boundary.  "I
have the right to determine what I think or feel, not you!"  Mental,
emotional, identity, and relational boundaries such as these empower each of
us to have a strong sense of self and an ego that's strong enough to handle
life's challenges.

 

However, if you have weak boundaries, you may often find yourself in
compromising situations and wonder, "How did this happen to me?"  You may
find that when others do mind-reading with you, you just go along with it
and let them tell you what you really think and feel!  When you set
boundaries for yourself, you are setting values, standards, and role
identities for yourself.  This enables you to be strong and definite in what
you do and don't do, what you allow and what you don't allow.  You know
yourself and you are able to stand firm when a boundary is crossed.  Without
such, you have weaker sense of self and so can find yourself experiencing
things that you didn't choose.

 

Children have very weak boundaries about themselves and non-existent
boundaries about areas that they don't know about.  That's why they need
structure and order.  And that's why providing them rules is critical.  The
rules can serve as their first boundaries, setting limits on thinking,
feeling, speaking, and acting.  With regard to boundaries, there are many,
many different kinds of boundaries.  There are personal-space boundaries,
physical boundaries, cognitive boundaries, sexual boundaries, financial
boundaries, etc.

 

The power of boundaries is the power to know oneself, to protect oneself, to
distinguish oneself, to know your limits.  It is the power of making
effective decisions and of becoming decisive which enables one to say, "No,
that doesn't fit for me!" as well as, "Yes, I like that, believe in that,
and want that!"

 

Once you set boundaries for yourself, and grant yourself full permission to
live within those boundaries, you develop another personal power-integrity.
You now can live true to yourself -to your values, beliefs, decisions,
standards, etc.  Without boundaries or with weak boundaries, it is hard if
not impossible to experience personal integrity, and without integrity, you
will find it hard to be congruent, authentic, and disciplined to get
yourself to follow through on what you say you believe and is important to
you.  So this power, the power of boundaries, is a critical and essential
power that you and I need to live fully- to actualize our highest and best.

 

 

 

L.  Michael Hall, Ph.D.

Neuro-Semantics Executive Director  ----   <http://www.neurosemantics.com/>
www.neurosemantics.com

P.O. Box 8

Clifton, CO.  81520 USA                              

1 970-523-7877                                               

     

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Neuro-Semantics launched the New Human Potential Movement in 2007, for
information about the Self-Actualization workshops, go to
<http://www.self-actualizing.org/> www.self-actualizing.org

 

 

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