[Neurons] 2012 Meta Reflections #52

[L. Michael Hall]

From: L. Michael Hall

Meta Reflections 2012  #52

Oct. 22, 2012

Empowerment Series #33

 

 

 

THE POWER OF DIS-EMPOWERMENT

 

 

Two months ago I received a letter from a lady who had been reading the
series of articles on Empowerment.  She wrote to complain.  And her
complaint came to me as a surprise.  She complained that every time she read
one of the articles, they made her feel more dis-empowered!

 

I was absolutely fascinated by her response.  "That's amazing!" I thought,
"How could a person do that?"  I also wanted to offer her what I seek to
offer everyone I deal with-a greater sense of personal empowerment.  So we
exchanged three or four emails.  Yet at the end, she was even more
dis-empowered.  I know because she said that!  Yet in the process I learned
something really important.  I learned how a person could take material that
99% of people read and find resourceful for their personal empowerment and
use it to undermine and sabotage one's sense of personal power.  And how
does someone do that?

 

First, start by assuming that your history creates and determines your
present and future.  

Be a pure behaviorist and assume that the "cause" of your problems, your
pain, your dis-empowerment is the experiences that you have been through or
the events that have happened to you.  Once you do that you empower
something outside-of-your-control to be in-control of your
thinking-and-feeling.  And by doing that, you empower something that you
cannot change.  That then puts you into a state of feeling helpless as well
as powerless.

"What I mean by this is that you seem to blame people for their own pain.
For example, in the email below (#29 The Power of Transcending History) you
talk about how it isn't history that is causing someone problems, but their
interpretations of it."

 

Second, assume that what you feel is real, not to be denied, and of primary
importance.

By doing this, you empower your emotions to be the determining factor in
your mind and belief systems.  The lady who wrote to me framed what I had
written in an either-or framework: If I didn't absolutely validate the
emotions of pain and suffering from the way a person interpreted an
experience then I was saying that "nothing is truly painful" and discounting
the painful experience.

"For me this suggests that nothing is truly painful or abusive, just our
interpretation of the event and that if we just made better pictures in our
minds or believed a different belief about it, all would be well."

 

Of course I didn't say that pain isn't painful or abuse isn't morally
repugnant or painful.  Of course, pain is painful!  Of course, any kind of
abuse by someone is wrong and results in suffering.  And these emotions are
also just emotions.  And as emotions, they are functions of two things: your
experience in the world and your mental maps about those experiences (what
they mean to you).

 

 

Third, assume and interpret disagreement (or difference) through the filter
of guilt.

Once you assume "the past is all-determining" and "whatever I feel is real
and defines me as a person" ("I am my emotions," "I am what I experience")
then it is a short step to assume that anyone who disagrees is "making" you
wrong, "blaming" you and doesn't understand.

"That is how several of your emails have read to me, and made me feel quite
worse about my own terrible childhood experiences and the issues I'm dealing
with today that are connected to it.  Your point of view, if I have the
right of it, is basically saying it's my fault I'm still suffering from my
painful past.  That I'm not doing enough to change my beliefs about it.  I
could go into a lengthy email about what my past was and the issues today,
but I realize NLP is not concerned with content.  So if you could please
explain what you mean I'd appreciate it.  Short of it, I don't feel
empowered when I read your emails, I feel angry, shamed, blamed and re-hurt
all over again."

 

Well, just to be clear, my articles did not, and do not, blame anyone for
anything.  There's a difference between blame and response-ability (the
power to respond).  Holding someone accountable to their powers and inviting
them to use their powers does not "make" them anything.  It invites them to
do something different.  And that's my hope- that when people discover there
is a better way, they will step up to act in that better way.

 

Actually, NLP does care about "content"!  The distinction is that there is
something more important than content and that is the structure.  That's why
we do not focus on content as much as we focus on structure and process.
What is that reason?  It is because "the content" operates at a lower level
than the process- and the process of self-blaming, empowering the past,
one's emotions, identifying with one's emotions, and confusing
responsibility with blame -these processes are more critical for change and
empowerment than the content.  When we can't change the content (what
happened at a certain time and place), we can change the process (how we
interpret what happened).

 

Fourth, confuse reframing with trying to make something bad "good."

What now follows is a vivid example of how someone caught up in a belief
system is not able to "listen" and hear what is actually said.  The lady
here says that I am saying the following three things which of course, I did
not say, do not believe, and which I completely repudiate.  What's
interesting is that the person does not ask about these things, but states
them as what my position about personal empowerment inherently entails.

            Rape is good and has positive values.

            Rape victims are responsible for their suffering and hurt

            Rapers are to be excused from their responsibility of harming
others.

 

"You've used the example of the Matrix before. And while the Matrix is a
fine movie, I have a very difficult time believing that just "loading" a new
belief system into my brain will change how I feel about something or a
painful problem I'm dealing with.  For example, a woman is raped.  No matter
what she opts to believe about it, say for example, "Oh, it's actually good
that I was raped because I was really prideful about my good looks." that
doesn't change the rage, anger and other issues that come from said event.
It just masks them under a belief, whether true/false.  Simply changing
one's understanding of the situation doesn't make it better or a positive
thing.  That's my belief, maybe yours is different. Which this ties into
point number one.  If you think my belief is incorrect, then you are
implying that rape victims and or anyone is else is the responsible party
for their own suffering and hurt.  Effectively excusing anyone from
responsibility for harming others.  After all, they (the rapists etc.) have
their beliefs about the world and if it's OK in their heads, and it's on me
to interpret it in a positive way for myself, well how can we hold anyone
accountable?"

 

Of course, neither I nor anyone else in NLP or Neuro-Semantics would argue
for any of those things.  What I believe is very different:

Rape is a horrible and unacceptable action, hurtful and destructive and
anyone who does so should be held responsible as someone who has harmed
another.

Rape victims are responsible for their interpretations and responses, but
obviously not for being raped!  The rapist is responsible for that.  After
someone has been raped, they will feel the emotions of hurt and
suffering-which is normal and those emotions help them acknowledge the wrong
and do their emotional work.  After that, the most psychologically healthy
thing is to release the anger, rage, and resentment, and move on with one's
life.

            Rapers are not to be excused from their responsibility of
harming others.

 

How did I respond to the lady?  Here's what I wrote.

                First, I    I'm sorry that you do not feel empowered. I will
try to do better.

If there is one thing I say over and over and over- The person is never the
problem, the frame is always the problem.   Do keep that in mind and you
will not hear "blame" anywhere in my writings! J  It is no one's fault, but
it is everyone's responsibility!  There's a big difference between the two!

 

If you are creating negative emotions like anger, shame, blame and hurt .
well you are responding with thoughts that create those emotions.
Responsibility, not blame.  Response-ability means you can respond in new
and different ways.  That's the good news.  How do you feel when you fully
know that?

 

NLP is a cognitive-behavioral model as indicated by the original books, its
history, and in the realm of research today.  That means that ultimately "as
you think, so you feel."  That's the good news.  Many women who are raped
become very resourceful in spite of it, and sometimes because of it- Ophra
is a good example of that.  And yes, changing your understanding does change
everything if you truly change the understanding and incorporate that into
your neurology.  That's what NLP is all about.

 

Rape victims have been hurt by someone.  That person is responsible.  The
person raped is responsible for how to think and feel about it.  That's
their responsibility.  They will suffer until they learn that.
Accountability: we hold both accountable to their powers -  the person who
did wrong for doing wrong.  The person who blames self for that response.

        Finally, if you feel judged- then the judgment must be coming from
you, that is, you are doing the judging, and believing the judgment.  I
certainly am not.  I never judge people.  I offer choices.  I have offered
choices in every article that I write.   What will you choose?  Whatever it
is, it is your choice.  And ultimately, only you can choose it!  I wish for
your highest and best choices!"

 

Ultimately, personal empowerment is just that- personal and empowerment.
You have to do it with your powers of thinking, believing, understanding,
framing, meaning-making, your powers of emoting, choosing, speaking, and
acting.  No one can do it for you and for that matter, no one can deprive
you of your personal powers.  So if you are dis-empowered, the strange
paradox is that you are using your core powers to dis-empower yourself by
empowering ideas, experiences, events, people, etc. outside of yourself.
The paradox is that it takes a lot of power to live a dis-empowered life!
In Neuro-Semantics our focus is to facilitate the empowering of people even
though we know people can resist it.

 

"Persons who have achieved their identity are causers rather than caused."
Maslow

 

 

 

L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.

                Neuro-Semantics Executive Director 

                Neuro-Semantics International

P.O. Box 8

Clifton, CO. 81520 USA                             

                1 970-523-7877 

                Dr. Hall's email:
<mailto:meta at acsol.net\hich\af31506\dbch\af31505\loch\f31506> meta at acsol.net


     

    

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